Little pig, little pig, let me come in...

Will somebody stop the tape?

I cannot bear to post this next part without initially offering up an explanation for my actions. It is sometimes so difficult to type these words as I feel so deeply the pain of judgment, mostly my own, but I know that often it will be the judgment of others. I want you all to know that this story appalls me. That I hate both what I was and all I did. Fear is something that accompanies almost every night when you are homeless. I was terrified to think of what might happen when the darkness fell each night and I learned fast that 'a quick fuck' was small price to pay for warmth, a bed or even a simple cuddle. I would pay the price again and again in a desperate attempt to feel some worth, to glean some level of acceptance in the void of the every day. I was desperate on so many levels and I was aware how dangerously close to suicide I floated.

Press Play



If someone were to say to me right now,

'Claire, you're not human. Life as you knew it, has all been a lie. You are a Wolf. You are part of an elite species that exists alongside and above human beings and it is your duty in life to live as part of our pack and have sex with casual abandon'...

Now if I heard that today then I would probably need clean underwear for all the laughter. Back then though, with my mind muddled by a cocktail of drugs and living in a constant state of desire for emotional comfort - I listened intently to Gypsy's words and wondered how much of them had truth. Andy sat with me and squeezed my hand tight as she spoke to us. He seemed unphased by the revelation and nodded as Gypsy assigned him as a Protector to me.

Protector. I liked the sound of that word.

'Wow' I said in response. Then for want of anything better to say. 'Fucking hell!'
'You've always been part of our family.' Said Gypsy. 'I've been looking after you for a long while. Remember many years ago, the house on the hill in Longwell Green? The one with the painted concrete boulders out the front. The one at the end of your road. I was there, looking out for you, checking that they took care of you properly.' Something clicked in my brain. I remembered the house. Squatters had taken over a mansion at the end of my parents street back in the very early 80's. The locals had been up in arms at the dirty travelers that brought filth and drugs to the quiet community and violated this beautiful home. It seemed impossible to believe what Gypsy was saying to me, but how did she know of my home and my father?
Nick finished working on his bike and came and sat with us on the bed, unwrapping the fur throw from Gypsy's shoulders, he snuggled up besides her.
'Welcome to the mad house Shebari.' He leaned over and kissed Gypsy, then looked back at Andy and me 'Isn't it time you two kids got off to bed. Gips and I need to catch some shut eye.'

Andy and I left happy and holding hands. The site was dark and mostly quiet, just the faint sound of a radio playing quietly in someones home and the bark of a dog in the distance. I felt more grounded out here, as if the sharpness of the air had dwindled Gypsy's magic. I tried to leave behind Gypsy's words and instead worried about where Andy and I would sleep tonight. I asked Andy where we were heading, after all, Old John had not left for Northampton yet.

'Follow me.' Andy whispered quietly. We walked around the glowing, sparking ashes of the fire and headed downwards, to the front of the site. Andy stopped by a big bender with a heavily smoking chimney. He called out 'It's Andy, can I come in?' I recognised this place as Blackum's. The tarp was suddenly pulled sharply back allowing a glimpse of the inside. This bender was more homely than the others, a woman's touch noticeable in the shelving and decoration.

Little pig, little pig, let us come in

Blackum smiled, 'Sure you can.'

Inside the bender, Andy positioned me on a rug in front of the wood burner and headed to the back to talk to Blackum who was sat on the bed. I caught most of what they said. Blackum was to put me up for the night. Andy would pay him with drugs. Andy was leaving now. I looked up at Andy with confusion as he went towards the door. 'Sleep here. Blackum's family to us. You'll be safe here Claire. I'll come and get you tomorrow morning. Ok?'
Blackum threw a pile of blankets down beside me.
'Ok.' I said to Andy, then I watched him leave 'Should I sleep here on the rug?' I asked Blackum.
'If you like. I'll throw you a pillow.' And he did 'Do you mind if I blow the candle out? I'm tired.'
'No, that's fine. I'm tired too' The fire left enough light for me to get comfortable and then I lay there wishing sleep would come. It didn't. I hated lying there alone. I wondered for the first time in a long time what my sister might be doing. I longed for a clean bed and the smell of soapy detergent on my sheets, for the little things that marked a life as normal. I longed for more than this.
'Blackum, can I sleep up there with you? I don't like it down here.' I wanted to be back with Andy, maybe back with Gypsy and Nick, perhaps back even further, back in Robert's arms.
'Nicky wouldn't like it.' Blackum mumbled.
I pushed my covers aside and crawled over to the side of the bed where I knelt sobbing on my knees, 'Please?'
'Oh for fuck's sake. I'm going to kill Andy for this. Get in.' And he lifted the covers, moving aside to make room in the bed. 'No sex though. I need to bloody sleep.'
'No sex.' I whispered back in agreement cuddling into the back which he promptly turned to me.

We lay there like that for about an hour. Neither of us any closer to sleep, but me much happier now I had a body to lie beside for comfort, I thought perhaps I would never get used to the loneliness I felt. Some days the loneliness consumed me.

I lay my arm over Blackum's side, rested a hand gently between his legs.

Blackum spoke first. 'I'm a good fucking man ya know. This doesn't mean anything. I love Nicky, always will.' And he slid his hand up my skirt and kissed me.

I felt sorry for Blackum in the morning. He looked sad and that made me sad too. I left him there in bed, unwilling to look at his guilt any longer.
Polly joined me by the fire. 'You still here young lady?'
'Where else would I go?' I laughed.
'I don't know. Where did you come from?' She had a calm and matter of fact tone to her voice.
'I came from there' I said. Pointing a shameful finger at Blackum's bender.
'Ahhhhhh,' Said Polly 'You'd better come with me.'

Polly's bender stood just beside the main fire, it was a small round dome with just enough room for a single mattress, a chest and a wood burner. The sides of her bender were tied up on the frame leaving a gap of about a foot around the base, 'To let it breathe' She pointed out when she saw me staring. 'A home needs to breathe.' Polly sat on the bed with me and looked intently in my eyes, 'How's Gypsy?'
'Oh fuck!' I held my head at the insanity of it all 'She's fucking crazy. She thinks she's a wolf you know.' I laughed at the memory of last night.
'That's right.' Said Polly quietly, 'Her, me, you. All wolves. Does that bother you?'
There was something in that sentence. Something that happened when Polly spoke those words. It all became glassy clear. Gypsy was speaking the truth, I had always felt different and now I knew why. I was different.
'What of Blackum?' Asked Polly 'It's not like him to fuck around on his woman.'
'Maybe I made him.' I answered. Looking at her with a streak of defiance in my eyes.
'Maybe,' said Polly smiling 'Maybe you didn't.' She threw me a package wrapped in brown paper, 'You can cook the sausages.'
'But I don't eat meat Polly.'
'Yes you do.' She said.

The meat and bread sat heavy in my guts after so long without. I felt like I was evolving completely, nothing about me felt the same as yesterday. Chillums smoked with Polly and Old John after the food pushed me up so high I was carried by Angels to bed. There was whispering. Someone mentioned the words 'white death' and wiped the sick from my mouth and clothes. I was so out of it that I had no clue where I was laying. Guilt was the first thing that came back to me. Guilt as I remembered the flatness in Blackum's muddy eyes that morning. I had never felt such regret for someone else before. They must all hate me now. I was sure of that. I was the girl that came to this site, to these homes and prayed on their men like a desperate Lolita.

I even felt sorry for Ian.

I was in a terrible state by the time Andy returned to me.
He listened to my fears and embraced me 'You're just paranoid. It's the drugs talking. Just calm down and I'll get you something to help.' He lit me a cigarette and placed it in my quivering mouth. I realised for the first time that I was in Gypsy's bed. I heard her voice over my shoulder but couldn't understand her words. Moments later I felt the roughness of her scarred hand on my forehead.
'I'm going to give you a Valium. Take it and get some more sleep. You'll wake up in a bit and feel much better. Andy will stay with you and make sure that you're ok.'

Soon enough sleep found me. I remember nothing until evening time, when I finally stirred proper from the coma that they gifted me.
'Andy?' I shook him awake.
He stretched the sleep from his bones 'You feeling better girl?'
I gave him the biggest hug then sprung up to my hands and knees and bounced on the mattress beside him.
'I feel great.'
'Hey lie down and check out the new mirror!'
I lay beside Andy and looked up at the canopy of the four poster bed. A huge mirror now hung between the posts.
'Cool! I feel like a queen lying in Gypsy's bed. I wish we could sleep here always. Imagine if this place was ours! I'd never get out of bed.'
'Yes you would.' Giggled Andy 'To make my dinner.'
'We make a very handsome couple. Sort of like Sid & Nancy, don't you think?' I smiled at the Andy in the mirror. 'Did they tell you about Blackum?'
'Blackum told me about Blackum. Don't let it bug you. It's not your sin, it's his.'
'I feel bad though. He didn't want to touch me, it was my fault, I made him.' Andy tilted my face away from the 'him' in the mirror to the 'him' beside me.
'That's not what Blackum says. He thinks you are a beautiful girl. He feels bad that he took advantage of you. Don't ever feel sorry for Blackum, I know that I bloody don't.'
I moved to kiss Andy but he turned his face away.
'Now you and I, we'll be friends for a long time I reckon.' He said. Again we stared at each other in the mirror and I worked a hand under the covers to his warm belly. He pushed my hand away, 'Friends. Not lovers. But good friends.'

My Protector.

'We need drugs!' I shouted. And the Andy in the mirror nodded in agreement.

I just knew it was going to be a good day after all!

Continued...