Black & Decker
Pug's place was a change indeed. High ceilings, open fireplaces, cornices and picture rails, I felt like I was living in a stately palace. There were only two main rooms, Pug's and the one he let us move into, then a bathroom, a small kitchen and the hall completed the flat. Our room was empty but we brought the mattress from the box with us, which made me feel strangely better at leaving my home.
Pug was in fact clinically mad. He had been released back into the community after the government downsized the institutionalized population in the eighties. His parents had given him the flat to live in and he coped as well as your average insane perosn would given the same set of circumstances. Most of his friends were also mad. It would be delving deep indeed to tell you how mad but seeing as most of my friends were pretty crazy too I guess I shouldn't judge. It is estimated that as much as half of the 400,000 homeless population of England suffer from severe mental illness. Pug, I guess, was the lucky one, he at least had a place to live.
I did my best to make this space mine. I painted a giant monopoly board on one wall (I can't quite remember why but I think that it speaks of the child I still was) and I would cuddle with Robert on the mattress in the pretense of bliss. We would listen to music and experiment with make up on each other. This room felt impossibly big as we had so little stuff to fill it. Nick, the sandy haired boy from the cafe, started sleeping over. He would lie to his parents about his plans, then crash on the mattress with Robert and I after a night fueled by drinking and laughter. It felt like a family of sorts. I would stare at Robert for hours at night, often fighting sleep to watch him silently. I loved every line of his body and forgave him all his failings. There were failings too. Sometimes he would shout at me and send me to the streets to beg him money for cider. Once he drank aftershave as it was the only alcohol that he could source in the middle of the night when the shakes took over him. The only other pain that struck me at this time was when he talked of Polly.
Polly was Robert's ex partner and the mention of her always caused me suffering.
I had been at Pugs for about a week when we were woken by a knock on the door during the night. Robert went to answer it in only a t-shirt and I heard whispered voices in the hall. I crept towards the door to listen but couldn't make out much except that the other person was a woman.
Robert hurried back to the room and grabbed his jeans. 'Babe I got to go. Polly is having some problems. Her Mum says she needs to see me.'
'Don't go Bertie.' I pleaded. 'You can go tomorrow. We'll go together.' Robert threw me a pitiful look and grabbed his coat and cigarettes.
'I've got to go. Hey Nick, wake up. Look after Claire for me, I'll be back in a few hours.'
I threw myself at his feet, terrified of something, I didn't know what.
'Robert, please don't go.' I couldn't bear it 'Come back to bed with me.' But he was mentally out of that door before he even touched it. I didn't sleep after that and I jumped at every footstep in the street. Somehow I knew that this night would change everything.
Robert returned about 10:30 the next morning. I was in the bathroom dying Nick's hair and I pretended not to care.
'The forager returns.' Shouted Robert, holding up a four pack of beer and a packet of pills. 'Nick you look like a wanker with black hair.' And he threw Nick a can.
He walked over and kissed me on the neck. 'Aren't you going to ask me what happened?' I squeezed the last of the dye onto Nick's head and ignored the question. 'Oh well. Those beers are for you. Nick and I will go and pick up my Giro. We'll get some more drinks in, do a bit of shopping too. Merlin lent me a tenner so I'll catch up with him then I'll come back and give my baby a good seeing to'. Nick groaned.
When they left I went and knocked on the door to Pugs room. No answer but I heard music so I entered anyhow. Pug was sat on the bed with headphones on. He didn't need headphones as the music was coming out of the speakers but Pug liked to wear them anyhow.
'Hey Pug.' He looked up at me. 'What you up to?'
'Listening.' He answered. I stroked the head of the Buddha statue on his bedside table and breathed in the heavy scent of essential oils burning in the room.
'Pug. Do you know Polly?'
Pug took off the headphones and draped them on the Buddha. 'No. Who's Polly'
'She's Bertie's ex.'
'Is she pretty?' Pug put the headphones back on but turned the music off.
'I guess. Fat though. Bertie says that when we both have make-up on, we are both equally pretty. But that without make-up on, he says that I look much nicer.'
'Well she's fat Poppet so it doesn't really matter.'
'Bertie says I am perfect apart from my upper lip. He says it should be bigger, like Polly's. What do you think?' I jumped from the bed besides Pug and knelt on the floor to look in the mirror. I smiled at my reflection, then back at Pug. 'I might be fat soon anyhow.'
'Why's that Poppet?'
'I might be pregnant. Bertie doesn't know, but I haven't had a period in weeks. 'Maybe Bertie will like it if I get fat like Polly.'
'You know that I wank on the tea towels. It's probably my baby.'
'Fuck off Pug.' I screamed, laughing at the same time 'I know you don't. Sometimes I think that you put on all this crazy shit. You want us to think you're mad'
'Nah, I don't put it on. I know it's stupid, but I just can't stop myself. If you are pregnant Poppet then you need to take better care of yourself. That wanker doesn't look after you right. You've always got beer and cigarettes, but you've never got any food. You're wasting away.' He started to roll a joint 'And I like your upper lip plenty, but you're definitely wasting away.'
'Who's that?' I pointed to a large bulge in the bed clothes next to Pug that appeared to be a man with a big bandage on his head.
'That's Nigel. He's mad.' Pug shook the bulge awake. 'Nigel, what do you think of Claire's upper lip?'
'Very nice.' Said the bulge with a yawn before going back to sleep.
'But he hasn't seen Polly. So her lip could still be nicer. And what's with his head.' I said pointing to the bandage.
'He drilled a hole. It helps him think.'
'How did he do that?'
'With my Black and Decker Electric. We tried a hand drill but he wasn't strong enough and I don't like the hand drill.'
'Are you telling me that you drilled a hole in his head?'
'Well somebody did. I can't remember if it was him or me.' Pug slapped his forehead hard with the flat of his hand.' Fuck. Sometimes I hate being crazy. I can't remember things properly.'
I jumped up, kissed Pug on the cheek and then climbed into the bed between them both. It was warm there.
We smoked joints and giggled whilst I waited for Robert and Nick. When they returned it felt like the whole dynamic in the house had changed. Pug and I had a secret but I had the weirdest feeling that so did Robert and Nick.
By evening time I knew that Robert had fucked Polly. He didn't tell me, I just knew. I tried not to think about it but it made me want to do something crazy. I could feel the pressure building in me once again. Just like on the day that I left my parent's home. Of one thing I could be certain. That I would do something before nightfall, it was just a matter of what I would find to do.
Continued...
Pug was in fact clinically mad. He had been released back into the community after the government downsized the institutionalized population in the eighties. His parents had given him the flat to live in and he coped as well as your average insane perosn would given the same set of circumstances. Most of his friends were also mad. It would be delving deep indeed to tell you how mad but seeing as most of my friends were pretty crazy too I guess I shouldn't judge. It is estimated that as much as half of the 400,000 homeless population of England suffer from severe mental illness. Pug, I guess, was the lucky one, he at least had a place to live.
I did my best to make this space mine. I painted a giant monopoly board on one wall (I can't quite remember why but I think that it speaks of the child I still was) and I would cuddle with Robert on the mattress in the pretense of bliss. We would listen to music and experiment with make up on each other. This room felt impossibly big as we had so little stuff to fill it. Nick, the sandy haired boy from the cafe, started sleeping over. He would lie to his parents about his plans, then crash on the mattress with Robert and I after a night fueled by drinking and laughter. It felt like a family of sorts. I would stare at Robert for hours at night, often fighting sleep to watch him silently. I loved every line of his body and forgave him all his failings. There were failings too. Sometimes he would shout at me and send me to the streets to beg him money for cider. Once he drank aftershave as it was the only alcohol that he could source in the middle of the night when the shakes took over him. The only other pain that struck me at this time was when he talked of Polly.
Polly was Robert's ex partner and the mention of her always caused me suffering.
I had been at Pugs for about a week when we were woken by a knock on the door during the night. Robert went to answer it in only a t-shirt and I heard whispered voices in the hall. I crept towards the door to listen but couldn't make out much except that the other person was a woman.
Robert hurried back to the room and grabbed his jeans. 'Babe I got to go. Polly is having some problems. Her Mum says she needs to see me.'
'Don't go Bertie.' I pleaded. 'You can go tomorrow. We'll go together.' Robert threw me a pitiful look and grabbed his coat and cigarettes.
'I've got to go. Hey Nick, wake up. Look after Claire for me, I'll be back in a few hours.'
I threw myself at his feet, terrified of something, I didn't know what.
'Robert, please don't go.' I couldn't bear it 'Come back to bed with me.' But he was mentally out of that door before he even touched it. I didn't sleep after that and I jumped at every footstep in the street. Somehow I knew that this night would change everything.
Robert returned about 10:30 the next morning. I was in the bathroom dying Nick's hair and I pretended not to care.
'The forager returns.' Shouted Robert, holding up a four pack of beer and a packet of pills. 'Nick you look like a wanker with black hair.' And he threw Nick a can.
He walked over and kissed me on the neck. 'Aren't you going to ask me what happened?' I squeezed the last of the dye onto Nick's head and ignored the question. 'Oh well. Those beers are for you. Nick and I will go and pick up my Giro. We'll get some more drinks in, do a bit of shopping too. Merlin lent me a tenner so I'll catch up with him then I'll come back and give my baby a good seeing to'. Nick groaned.
When they left I went and knocked on the door to Pugs room. No answer but I heard music so I entered anyhow. Pug was sat on the bed with headphones on. He didn't need headphones as the music was coming out of the speakers but Pug liked to wear them anyhow.
'Hey Pug.' He looked up at me. 'What you up to?'
'Listening.' He answered. I stroked the head of the Buddha statue on his bedside table and breathed in the heavy scent of essential oils burning in the room.
'Pug. Do you know Polly?'
Pug took off the headphones and draped them on the Buddha. 'No. Who's Polly'
'She's Bertie's ex.'
'Is she pretty?' Pug put the headphones back on but turned the music off.
'I guess. Fat though. Bertie says that when we both have make-up on, we are both equally pretty. But that without make-up on, he says that I look much nicer.'
'Well she's fat Poppet so it doesn't really matter.'
'Bertie says I am perfect apart from my upper lip. He says it should be bigger, like Polly's. What do you think?' I jumped from the bed besides Pug and knelt on the floor to look in the mirror. I smiled at my reflection, then back at Pug. 'I might be fat soon anyhow.'
'Why's that Poppet?'
'I might be pregnant. Bertie doesn't know, but I haven't had a period in weeks. 'Maybe Bertie will like it if I get fat like Polly.'
'You know that I wank on the tea towels. It's probably my baby.'
'Fuck off Pug.' I screamed, laughing at the same time 'I know you don't. Sometimes I think that you put on all this crazy shit. You want us to think you're mad'
'Nah, I don't put it on. I know it's stupid, but I just can't stop myself. If you are pregnant Poppet then you need to take better care of yourself. That wanker doesn't look after you right. You've always got beer and cigarettes, but you've never got any food. You're wasting away.' He started to roll a joint 'And I like your upper lip plenty, but you're definitely wasting away.'
'Who's that?' I pointed to a large bulge in the bed clothes next to Pug that appeared to be a man with a big bandage on his head.
'That's Nigel. He's mad.' Pug shook the bulge awake. 'Nigel, what do you think of Claire's upper lip?'
'Very nice.' Said the bulge with a yawn before going back to sleep.
'But he hasn't seen Polly. So her lip could still be nicer. And what's with his head.' I said pointing to the bandage.
'He drilled a hole. It helps him think.'
'How did he do that?'
'With my Black and Decker Electric. We tried a hand drill but he wasn't strong enough and I don't like the hand drill.'
'Are you telling me that you drilled a hole in his head?'
'Well somebody did. I can't remember if it was him or me.' Pug slapped his forehead hard with the flat of his hand.' Fuck. Sometimes I hate being crazy. I can't remember things properly.'
I jumped up, kissed Pug on the cheek and then climbed into the bed between them both. It was warm there.
We smoked joints and giggled whilst I waited for Robert and Nick. When they returned it felt like the whole dynamic in the house had changed. Pug and I had a secret but I had the weirdest feeling that so did Robert and Nick.
By evening time I knew that Robert had fucked Polly. He didn't tell me, I just knew. I tried not to think about it but it made me want to do something crazy. I could feel the pressure building in me once again. Just like on the day that I left my parent's home. Of one thing I could be certain. That I would do something before nightfall, it was just a matter of what I would find to do.
Continued...
posted by Claire at 8:45 pm
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