Wolves at my door...

This place looked different in the light of day. My perception must have been warped last night indeed as my memory of the site was almost entirely back to front. I had thought that Gypsy's bender was to the right of the site, but it stood at the back on the far left, just beyond the fence line. A bell hung at the entrance and a painted sign 'Abandon hope, all ye who enter here' was placed above the door. I rang the bell as it seemed like the polite thing to do, 'Gypsy - it's Claire.'
Silence, they were either out or sleeping. I sat for a while on a large stone nearby until I was aware of footsteps coming up the path towards me. It was Nick.
'Claire' he said 'I hope you slept well. Gypsy's gone to town.' Then he added with a cheeky smile 'You can light the fire and make me a tea if you like.' Nick was younger than I had thought last night, I asked him how old 'Nineteen' He'd said. He had to light the fire for me as my attempts resulted in little more than acrid smoke. With the flames now roaring he passed me a blackened kettle then fetched a box containing cups, sugar, coffee and tea. I did my best to make something passable as a hot drink.

Nick had shoulder length blond hair, a goatee beard and biker clothing. He seemed shy and awkward around me and I was curious, yet wary of him.
'You must feel like shit after last night.' He offered me a roll up, 'Keep that up and you'll fit in down here. Anyhow Shebari, Gypsy likes you and that will mean a lot to the others.'
'How long have you been with Gypsy?'
'Never you mind. Long enough to fuck me up though!' And he laughed raucously at his own joke. 'I won't be around for ever', he said, suddenly serious. 'I'm just hanging around to fix my bike and then I'll be off again. Gypsy will either come or stay. I'll never pin her down for long.'
'Nick, what does Shebari mean?'
'It means you're fresh meat down here sweetheart, potential new blood. I mean that in the nicest way of course.' I heard voices approaching, it was Gypsy and Andy, a young punk that hung around the bender site, one of Gypsy's young side kicks. He and I were soon to become the firmest of friends.
'You survived the night with Ian then?' Said Gypsy, with a look on her face like she knew more than I would like her to.
'Slept like a baby Gypsy Lee. Thought I'd come and see what you were up to this fine afternoon.' I looked her in the eyes and tested the water 'Nick has been entertaining me whilst I waited for you.' I wanted to see how possessive she was of her man.
She flicked a glance from him to me, 'You better have looked after her good Nick.' Nick's turn now, his eyes followed, from me to her, but he said nothing. Just nodded. She trusted him more than me, I could tell.
'Come inside.' She gestured at Andy and me. 'Nick, that wood needs chopping before you start work on the bike today.'
Once inside the bender, Gypsy lit some candles and busied herself cutting up speed once more. This time there was a heap of it on the mirror. I had never seen such a large amount of drugs before. She cooked some up in a spoon again and offered Andy a syringe of sticky white fluid. I didn't like to ask for some, but eventually she offered me a line and a tube.
'How come I don't get to inject?'
'Cause I don't want you fucked up like him.'
'I'm not a kid.' I protested.
'You're somebody's kid, remember that. It's a fool that forgets it's origins. Your Father would want me to look after you.'
I took the tube and snorted up the speed, shaking my head in surprise at the burning sensation. 'You don't know my Dad. So you can't say that'.
She ignored my comment. 'Hey, you wanna speak to Old John. He's going away to a festival for a few weeks. You could look after his bender. You and Andy. It's the one nearest mine, I could take care of you then.' Gypsy was becoming animated by the drugs. She moved around the bender with a fueled purpose, tidying and sorting. But always watching us.

I swear that woman had more than one set of eyes.

'How about it new friend?' Andy threw me a cigarette 'Fancy being house mates? I'll bet Old John says yes if you ask him!'
'Sure. I could use a place to stay for a week or two.'
'And you,' said Gypsy waving a finger in Andy's face, 'Keep your cock in your trousers. She's not a present I'm giving you.' I laughed at her outburst. 'Now fuck off, both of you. Go and earn some money or something. I ain't paying for all the drugs in this house.' Andy shuffled out first with me close behind him. I was just about to leave when I heard her speak again.
'And I do know your Father. His name's Ernest. Black hair, dark skin. Smokes the one's without filters.'
I froze at the correctness of her words. 'How do you know that?'
She laughed in response and shook her head as if to say 'I'm not telling'
The speed raced my heart 'Do you know my family?'
'Fifiki, I am family. Now go find Old John and go ask him about that festival'.

'Come on.' Called Andy from outside. I pushed my way through the tarpaulin door, momentarily fazed by the bright sun, I was aware of the silhouette of Nick chopping wood on the horizon and Andy's smiling face.
'Let's go make some money girl. Old John will need a few of the cold ones to warm him up to our suggestion.'
'Begging?'
'Unless you know a better way!' Andy started walking back to the site 'Watch out for the shit' he called, gesturing at a pile of excrement lying beside the fence. I followed excited. I liked that Gypsy was paying me so much attention. I was fucking freaked about some of the things that she was saying but I tried not to think too much about that, I sensed she would be a powerful friend but a dangerous enemy. Andy and I took the long way back to the town and we begged on the way.

'Spare a bit of change sir?'
'Could you help us out with some money for food Sir?'

The repetitive call of the desperate, now slid off my lips without shame.

By the time we got to the town we had enough for a beer each, so we sat down on the steps and chatted away whilst Andy rolled and knotted my hair into dredlocks.

I spotted Robert coming before he saw me. I laughed false laughter as if I had never had such fun in my life and I pretended that I hadn't seen him. I hated him for all he did to me. I hated him for loving Polly more.

But loved him so.

Had he seen us? It had only been days since our split but already I had forgotten the Claire of then and it seemed like years had passed since he held me tight and loved me true.

Two hours more of begging and we headed back to the bender site with enough money in our pockets for some vegetables to make soup, some rolling tobacco and twelve beers.
'We should make enough to buy some speed.' I suggested.
'What the fuck for?' Laughed Andy 'Gypsy's got a bloody mountain of the stuff and we're practically family after all.'
'But Gypsy said...'
'Don't worry about Gypsy. By the time we get back to site she'll be off her tits on speed and she won't even remember this morning.'
'She talks weird sometimes. She freaks me out a bit.'
'She thinks that you're like her daughter, that's why. I mean, she knows you're not her daughter, not really, but she still thinks it. She's fucked up' And he tapped the side of his head with an outstretched finger 'Up here. But she means well. Don't let her bother you any.'

Old John was sat outside his bender talking to a small group. He introduced everyone to me.
'Claire. This is Polly, an old friend of mine,' I flinched at the name but smiled at the lady with graying hair 'And this is Blackum, and Dean.' Blackum had the look of Jesus about him. Goatee beard, long straight hair and eyes like puddles of black coffee. He intrigued me to the point of flirting. Dean was another crusty punk. Dirty, tattooed, dressed in combat clothing.
'You all off to Northampton with John?' Probed Andy.
'I'm going' Answered Dean 'But Blackum's gotta stay to sort some shit out. How about you two?'
'Nah.' Andy elbowed me in the ribs gently.
'Hey John. If you're going away. Any chance that I could stay in your bender? I'm fucked for a place at the moment.' I offered John a beer from the bag, smiling hopefully.
'Don't see why not. You staying too?' He looked at Andy.
'I guess. If I'm not at Gypsy's.'
'Well wash the sheets if you get em dirty.' Said John jokingly. 'And don't burn the bloody place down.'
We signed the deal with a round of beers and then Polly helped me cut up the vegetables and prepare the soup. Polly was in her late forties. Graceful, slim and well spoken, she did not seem like the other travelers.
'I've got some chicken we can use too.' She offered.
I pulled a face, 'I don't eat meat. I'm vegan'.
'Wolves eat meat.' Was her rather strange response. 'But I can cook it separately for the men. I'll eat vegan with you this time.' She pinned a loose grey curl behind her ear with a pretty jeweled clip before gesturing to help her lift the heavy pot to the fire. 'You'll need meat to keep your strength up. Blood's part of woman's soul.' We all ate together around the fire as the sunset burnt red the sky above us. I listened once more to Old John's tales of traveling and learned that he and Polly had once been a couple, that Blackum had a wife called Nicky who was away at the moment and that Gypsy's burns were from a motorcycle accident, not a fire as I had thought.
'She skidded her bike. Came off and took the skin off her left side completely. She was just wearing a skirt and vest. Those aren't burns. They're grafts.' John told me.
We finished eating and the men cleaned the pots and plates whilst Polly and I lay back and counted stars.
'It's so beautiful down here.' I said to Polly. She reached out and grabbed my hand.
'Then stay.'

I figured I would. For a while at least.

Eventually, Andy and I headed over to Gypsy's bender. He thought that if we could get some speed inside us now, we would come down enough before it was time to sleep. It sounded like a good plan.

Gypsy was home and the fire was roaring. It seemed welcoming and cozy inside. Nick was pottering with his bike at the back and Gypsy was lying on the bed wrapped in furs. I thought that I would ask Gypsy if she could get me any Rohynol. I had liked my first taste of this drug and wanted more, but I immediately regretted mentioning this to Gypsy.
'Stay away from that shit. It's for fucking Junkies.' She looked angry. 'If anyone offers you any more of that crap, then you fucking tell me, you hear.'
I nodded.
'Nick, you go tell Old John that I won't have that shit on this site. I know it's him dishing it out. Old fool should know better. He's been thrown off more than one site for less.'

I had never heard anyone talk bad of Old John before. It surprised me. I couldn't comprehend why one drug was worse than another. It tasted of hypocrisy to me.
But this seemed like a good moment to ask 'Can we have some speed then?' And I watched as Gypsy cut and cooked her powder once more, then offered me a tube. I felt like a part of something as I choked back the bitter taste of white again.

Part of what, I didn't yet know , but part of something - for sure.

Continued...