Lysergic Acid Diethylamide

I met Robert at the Cactus club. I had just turned sixteen.

The Cactus Club was effectively my 'local'. If you leave the Sport's Center by the riverside exit and wander down past the bobbing canal boats to the famous Pulteney Bridge; there, in the base of the bridge's foundations in the cool damp dark and slippery stone - that's where you'll find the entrance to the Cactus Club. And on this particular Saturday night that's where you'd have found me.

My night began in the public toilet of the Sports Centre. My hair was crimped and back combed, my elaborate black makeup was carefully applied and my outfit carefully adjusted - torn black fishnets, short skirt, a ripped black top and a studded dog collar. The club was dark and Gothic inside. The brick walls of the cellar bar pulsated with coloured light and gleamed with sticky moisture. I purchased a pint of Guinness and Black and sat alone on a bench at the back of the room. I already knew Robert by sight, I had seem him around the town, a guitar in one hand, a beer in the other. Face painted white and lips smudged red he reminded me of his namesake Mr Smith. He came up to me, swung his face low whilst hanging from the rail above my head and said,
'Hello'. A simple but perfect beginning.
I smiled and took a long slow draw on my cigarette.
'Robert.' He said, whilst holding out a black gloved hand and landing himself beside me.
'Claire' We shook on that and the look on his face made me smile again.
He could not take his eyes off me nor could I off him. We drank plenty and danced a little until the music faded and our audience dispersed.
''Your place or mine?' he had asked.
'I think perhaps yours, mines complicated.'
He had muttered something back which I thought could have been in Russian, then he took me by the hand and led me up the hill. We talked a little during the walk. He was staying with his Mum and sister Ursula. He was nineteen and between homes. His Mother let out the spare room to lodgers, but the current lodger was away and so we could sleep in that room. He told me to be quiet when we arrived as he would have to sneak me in. When we got to the house I waited in the garden whilst Robert checked if it was safe to go up. I liked him. I sensed that he was different on that very first night. I sensed that he was reckless like me. He led me by the hand again, this time giggling up the stairs and into an old-fashioned dusty room with a large bed. I felt safe in Robert's arms and enjoyed the comfort of the bed as much as the sex. In the morning when his Mum had left for work, he asked about my life and seemed unphased by the story of the girl that slept with cars and begged for food. That day we begged together, we ate pasties and crisps and drank cheap wine from the market. When darkness fell I took him by the hand and led him to my box and so began a new life with Robert. From the very beginning his strangeness fueled my actions. It felt like I was made for him, the crazy girl I was, had found her equal in this intellectual outcast. I would love him with deep intensity. I would also be broken by his words.

If people had thought me odd, then they now thought Robert odder. He moved into my world without pausing for breath, we stood apart from the rest of the homeless with our middle class airs and our educated words. I still danced with the travellers and sometimes when Robert was drunk he would dance by my side. Robert was often drunk. Within months I came to realise that Robert was always drunk. This was to be my first taste of real addiction. The money we made went on cigarettes and alcohol and some days we would buy strange travel sickness pills that made me throw up but kept Robert happy and I really wanted Robert to be happy. The travelers introduced me to Gees Linctus, a brown coloured cough medicine that contained tincture of opium. We would poor it into half finished cans of Special Brew, a syrupy extra strong lager, and drink away all knowledge of what we were. I knew little of the world of real drugs though and that innocence was soon to cause me trouble.
'What's that?' Robert asked as I thumbed the eight dirty patterned squares that lay in the palm of my hand.
'Acid. Old John asked me to get it off the Spaceman and look after it until tomorrow. What does it do?'
'Shall we take one? We can always beg some money tomorrow and get some more. John will never know.'
I looked down at the tiny pieces of blotting paper. What possible harm could they do? I handed one to Robert and popped one into my mouth.
'Do we swallow it?'
'I've swallowed mine' he laughed 'so I hope so'. And then we waited.
Thirty minutes passed and we sat on the mattress in the box anxiously waiting for something to happen.

Nothing. It was about 2am.

'Let's take more. See what happens.' I suggested. So we each took another two and decided to take a walk and see if we could beg some money for cigarettes.
We got to the centre of town and walked past the Abbey. Heavy raindrops started to thump the pavement around us and we scanned the streets looking for someone with money to help us out. Everything around us was bathed in eerie orange street light. It occurred to me that the streetlight wasn't usually so weird looking, I was sure that usually it was less, well less orange . Time seemed to have paused for breath, there was nothing but me, Robert, the rain and the orange light. We had just turned to head up the main street when I heard a noise behind us and as I looked back I could not believe my eyes.

There were fish.

Fish everywhere. Darting through the sea that the pavement had become and jumping high into the orange air where they caught the light and sparkled at my brain. I grabbed Robert's hand. Robert looked at me but suddenly seemed very scared. I was frightened now. 'What's with the fucking fish. What are the fish doing?'
'What's wrong with your skin?' He cried. I felt like screaming. Someone screamed but I wasn't sure if it was Robert or myself. I looked down at my arm and was horrified. I could see the skin falling off my limbs. Robert dropped his hand and pointed. 'Is that a fish?'
For me there were no fish now only strange shapes that terrified me. I took off through the city at full pelt, the orange light searing my thoughts in strobing flashes as I passed under each street lamp. I needed to get back to the box. The box was home. The box would make me safe. We huddled together on the mattress, our pupils dilated wider to let more horrors in. The heater in the box suddenly switched on and both Robert and I almost jumped out of our skins at the noise. I was still screaming when seconds later the lights in the car park clicked off and we were plunged into total darkness.

Nothing now.

Just fear and the hum of the box. I held Robert's hand and gripped it tight. We must have sat like that until morning, whispering to each other of the horrors inside our minds. The Daylight brought with it some courage and a muting of the colors and terrifying shapes. At that point. At that perfectly horrible point in time I could feel and taste the colors. I could hear shapes and see words. Every sense was mixed and morphed with another one. We had taken a huge overdose of very strong homemade acid and it would be days before my world settled to the soft tones of normality once again.

The sandy haired gothic that sat across the cafe table hung on our every word.
'So was it really mad taking LSD?' Nick was 14 years old and keen to learn.
'Fucking hell it was the scariest shit. I'm never taking that stuff again. Honestly, I could see dragons running around the town centre.'
'Looking at Claire was the scariest part.' Piped in Robert 'I was glad when the fucking car park lights went out. She looked like a mad witch with her spikey hair and smudged makeup. At one point she bloody jumped on me and tried to have sex. Fucking hell, it was like having a scary, beetley, witch spider try to fuck you. I threw her off and she started crying. I had to switch the box heater back on to drown her out.'
I laughed at his recollection. Felt so grown up talking about this new bad world of real drugs. Loved Robert even more with this experience we'd shared.
'Would you take it again?' Asked Nick.
Robert and I both looked at each other and answered in unison...'Fuck yeah!'

Filming continued with the BBC and I smiled for the cameras and felt happier and more complete than I ever had. I truly loved Robert and could imagine nothing but life with him. Some days were a little more blue than others but most of the time I was content with my lot. I had a mantra 'If you've got nothing in life, then you've got nothing to lose' and I tried not to care about anything, except for him. The traveler men left me alone now that I had Robert and I looked forward to my seventeenth birthday in just a matter of weeks. A year had almost passed on our time together when one day Robert returned to the box with a smile. He had some great news.
'I've just been in the Hat & Feather with Merlin and the Spaceman and I met this bloke 'Pug' who says that he has a spare room at his place where we can crash. Bloke's fucking crazy but he showed me his place and you won't believe it. He owns one of those huge Victorian places up near Royal Crescent. The room he says we can have is bigger than my Mother's whole fucking house! Babe - grab your rats - we're got somewhere to live!'
I had a few worries though. If we left the box then it would be taken over by someone else soon enough. The code of ethics that protected my right to sleep there would be ignored if I chose to go elsewhere. What if 'Pug's Place' didn't work out? I was scared to leave but scared to stay.

Pug, as it turns out was a slightly overweight, tall man with white blond hair. My first sighting of him at the Hat & Feather pub was delicious perfection. He was on top of a table dancing. He wore a white shirt backwards, white trousers and silver moon boots. His face was streaked with black war paint and he had a white pair of men's boxer shorts on his head.
I kissed Merlin on the cheek and watched this strange man dance.
'Meet your landlord.' Laughed Merlin. 'Pug adds new meaning to the phrase 'Care in the community'. He'll probably kill you tonight.'
'What the hell is in your hair Merlin?'
'Chrome. I tired to chrome my Mohican.' He waved a joint at me 'Fuck me babe, I need sex. I'm bored'
I laughed, 'Maybe tomorrow.' and Robert came back from the bar just in time to clout Merlin jokingly around the head.
'If you think Pug's mad, wait 'til you meet his best friend Nigel. Do you know why Pug's wearing his underwear like that?' Merlin took back the joint.
'Enlighten us.'
'Pug thinks it protects him from the Aliens. He wanks on his underwear. Thinks it provides protection from the little green men who try and steal his thoughts.'
'Is that why you chromed your head you dufus!'
'I'm telling you, Pug's weird. He wanks on everything.'
Robert smiled 'So Babe, should I pack my Porsche? Are we moving in?'

Continued...